Why I think we need to talk more about anger and young carers

“She’s got a short temper.”

If only I could count all the times that line was said about me when I was younger. Perhaps what was worse than how often I had to hear that was how true it was. One trigger and I’d be clenching my jaw, my fists balled tightly until my knuckles turned white, my breath becoming fast and heavy alongside the urge to scream and shout at the top of my lungs.

I thought I was an exception - that there was something wrong with me. I think others did too. I had this ability to snap and transform into a real-life Hulk reduced in the form of a four-and-a-half-foot tall kid. I was just a young person with unexplainable anger issues. Or so I thought.

Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust says anger is actually a common feeling in carers. According to the website, “carers may feel angry about many aspects of their situation - the unfairness, the responsibilities and the change in lifestyle.”

When you think about it, it makes total sense. Of course, we’d feel this way - but feeling the emotion is easy, understanding it is much harder.

“There’s probably a lot going on - you’re missing out on things that you might be doing if you weren’t a carer. The dynamics in the family have changed - instead of you being looked after and cared for, you’re suddenly looking after and caring for that person. It could be around food, finances, and making sure that the person you are looking after is ensuring the medical care is appropriate. That anger can be linked to so many different things in terms of the position you’re being placed in and the loss that you’re experiencing around them.” says psychologist Vidhta Fatanya.

It’s also so important to remember that anger is very rarely a primary emotion. Often outbursts are fuelled by another below the surface feeling manifesting itself in the form of rage. Managing this anger, therefore, links back to a lot of self-reflecting and awareness and asking questions like: What’s going on around me? How are different parts of my life being affected? What is my body is telling me something isn't right?

“It’s like that cup metaphor - when our cup is completely full, we’re going to end up tipping over into different areas of our life. You’ve got to think about what’s gonna make space in that cup for yourself to be able to do things that make you feel okay and give you some of that resilience, confidence, and happy feelings back again,” explains Vidhya.

Anger isn’t something to feel bad about. It’s a temporary feeling but the emotions behind it can in fact be useful in the long term. Only when we start to normalise it in young carers, can we manage it. Whether you channel it in a creative way or it just helps you to have a better understanding of yourself, coping begins by talking.